Self-Criticism vs Accountability: Why Feeling Bad Doesn’t Move Us Forward
- Rachel Amies
- Jun 26
- 3 min read
In This Article
Why feeling bad about our behaviour isn't the same as taking responsibility for it
Why guilt has little to offer today's workout
How trying to make up for yesterday’s eating can create tomorrow's problems
Why our bodies respond to today's decisions, not yesterday's guilt
Are you taking action... or proving that you know you should?
Thought For The Week
One of the things I've noticed over the years is how often women apologise to me.
I'm not talking about being late, or forgetting an appointment.
I'm talking about apologising for eating chocolate.
For missing a workout.
For having a few drinks.
They’ll usually laugh as they say, I know... I've been terrible.
But perhaps they aren’t asking for forgiveness, or expecting me to tell them it's okay.
Perhaps they’re proving that they know it wasn't the choice they wanted to make.
As if acknowledging it is part of making amends.
It seems as though many of us use self-criticism to feel accountable.
As though being hard on ourselves somehow proves we're taking it seriously.
So we apologise. We call ourselves lazy. We say we've been terrible. And we make sure everyone knows that we recognise the mistake.
But feeling bad about our behaviour isn't the same as responding to it.
The missed workout has already been missed.
The late-night snack has already been eaten.
Guilt can acknowledge what happened. But it can't undo it.
Our bodies don't benefit from how guilty we feel. They benefit from the decision we make next.
And so perhaps accountability isn't about proving we know we've fallen short. Perhaps it's about deciding what to do afterwards.
Next time you catch yourself saying, I've been terrible, pause for a moment and ask yourself:
Are you taking action...
...or are you proving that you know you should?
Exercise Focus
At the start of a session, a client might tell me they didn't do the exercises we'd discussed.
Or they skipped their weekend workout.
Or they haven't been as active as they'd hoped.
Those conversations do matter. They tell us something useful about what's been happening that week.
If we see a pattern emerging, something might need adjusting.
If they’re feeling tired, out of practice, or something’s niggling, it might change what today's workout looks like.
That's all useful information.
But once you’ve acknowledged what happened, feeling guilty about it offers very little to the session.
It doesn't make your squat stronger.
It doesn't help you find a better rhythm.
It doesn't improve your movement quality.
All it does is keep part of your attention fixed on yesterday, instead of allowing you to engage with today.
Today’s session might look different from how you imagined. It might need to be shorter, lighter, or adapted to where you are in this moment.
But it doesn't need guilt to come with it.
What matters now isn't the workout you missed.
It's the one you're about to do.
Nutrition Focus
After a meal out, a celebration, or an evening of eating more than we'd intended, many of us feel the need to make up for it the next day.
We skip breakfast.
Survive on coffee.
Eat lettuce for lunch.
Almost as though today's choices are there to compensate for yesterday's.
But the food has already been eaten. Skipping meals won't change that.
And yet eating less today can somehow feel like proof that we're taking yesterday seriously. Like making up for it is part of taking responsibility.
But today's meals don't need to apologise for yesterday's.
In fact, if we spend the day trying to compensate, we often end up running low on energy, more preoccupied with food, and wondering why we're craving the very things we're trying so hard to avoid.
And so instead of trying to settle yesterday's score, perhaps we simply need to respond to today’s needs.
Explore More
From the archive: If this week's newsletter resonated, you might also enjoy The Clean Slate Trap: Why Starting Over Isn't the Same as Moving Forward, which explores another common response to setbacks: the feeling that we need to wipe the slate clean and begin again. But progress rarely depends on starting over. More often, it depends on picking up from where you are.
Website: Kristin Neff's work on self-compassion is an excellent place to explore the relationship between guilt, accountability, and self-criticism. Her website brings together research, practical exercises, and guided meditations to help develop a kinder way of responding to setbacks.
Book: In The Compassionate Mind, Paul Gilbert explains why our minds so easily default to criticism, shame, and self-punishment, and why these responses often keep us stuck rather than helping us move forwards. It's one of the most accessible introductions to Compassion Focused Therapy.
Takeaway
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