The Power of Saying No: Protecting What Matters
Thought For The Week
This week, I’ve been reminded of the power of saying no.
Because we often feel the pressure to say yes: to accept the invitation, take the opportunity, try something new and see where it leads. Yes opens doors. It suggests curiosity and courage.
By comparison, saying no can feel negative or ungrateful. And nothing happens. We stay where we are, close a door, and allow a possibility to pass us by.
But saying no is still a choice. And sometimes it’s the choice that protects the things to which we’ve already said a wholehearted hell yes.
Our days contain many possibilities, but they don’t contain unlimited time and energy. Each new yes just divides our attention further, leaving us with less to give to each thing.
In fact, every yes also contains a no, even if we haven’t quite realised it yet.
Saying yes to an opportunity might mean saying no to one that matters more. Saying yes to one person might mean having less time for someone else. Saying yes to another activity might mean saying no to rest and recovery.
Spreading ourselves too thinly means each thing receives less of our patience, care and attention.
Saying no can therefore be an act of commitment. It allows us to give ourselves more fully to the things we’ve already chosen.
Exercise Focus
There’s a difference between having space for something in your calendar and having the capacity to make space for it in your life.
A class on Monday, a PT session on Wednesday, parkrun on Saturday and tennis on Sunday might fit neatly into the diary.
But many women are already living close to capacity. We’re balancing careers, families, hormonal changes and a whole host of other competing demands on our time and energy. Add several exercise commitments, and fitness can quickly become one more thing we’re only just keeping up with.
Eventually, something has to give. You miss a session, feel too tired for the next or notice a niggle that stops you going to class. You struggle to regain momentum and decide that perhaps tennis, running or the gym simply isn’t for you.
But maybe the new activity was never the issue. Perhaps you were trying to add it to a life that was already full.
Every yes also contains a no. So before giving an emphatic yes to a new activity, it’s worth asking whether you can genuinely make room for it right now.
Fitness should help build your capacity, not add to the pressure. The goal isn’t to shoehorn more in. It’s to decide which activities matter most and give yourself permission to say no to the rest.
Nutrition Focus
We’re exposed to a surprising number of food choices throughout the day, even if we’re not always fully aware of them.
There’s what we pass in the supermarket, what’s available in the kitchen, what’s on the menu, what appears in the office, what somebody offers us.
These choices might not seem like a big deal on their own. But when every possibility remains open, we have to keep deciding.
Each time we walk past the biscuits, open the kitchen cupboard or see the leftovers in the fridge, our brain asks the question again: Do you want this now?
By the fifth or sixth time we’re tired of fighting. The easiest or more immediate choice can easily win out, even if it’s not the one we wanted most.
Sometimes, saying no protects the thing we want most.
We might leave the snack because we want to enjoy the dinner we have planned, or decide not to bring several different treats into the house knowing we’ll have to make a choice each time we see them.
This isn’t about rules, restriction or denying ourselves the foods we enjoy. It’s about choosing between the different things we want.
We might want the biscuit in front of us, but also want to arrive hungry for dinner. We might want the supermarket offer, but also want a kitchen cupboard that doesn’t tempt us every time we open it.
Saying no can simply mean deciding which of those wants we’re going to protect. It limits our exposure to competing choices and saves us from having to make the same decision again and again.
Explore More
From the archive: Why You Say Yes When You Really Mean No: How Social Pressure Steers You explores how our need to belong can influence our choices and pull us away from what matters to us.
Book: Four Thousand Weeks by Oliver Burkeman challenges the pursuit of getting everything done and explores how accepting our limited time can help us make more conscious choices about what deserves it.
Article: Two Parts of the Brain Govern Much of Mental Life explores why internal conflict is so common, and how our immediate impulses can pull us in a different direction from what we want in the longer term.
Takeaway
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