The Void We Try To Fill: Why We Keep Doing the Things We Said We Wouldn't
- Rachel Amies
- Jun 12
- 3 min read
Updated: Jun 16
In This Article
Why many unwanted behaviours make more sense than we might realise
How avoiding certain exercises or situations can provide comfort and certainty
How food often provides more than just nourishment
Why understanding a behaviour often tells us more than the behaviour itself
A simple question that can help uncover what's really driving our actions
Thought For The Week
Do you ever find yourself repeating a behaviour you know isn't helpful?
You tell yourself you won't do it again.
Then you do.
Maybe it's the evening snacking that appears after a stressful day. Maybe it's avoiding a particular exercise at the gym, cancelling a session, or reaching for your phone instead of going for a walk.
Whatever the behaviour, the thoughts that follow are often the same:
Why am I doing this?
Why can't I just stop?
Why don’t I have any discipline?
It may feel irrational, but these behaviours often make more sense than we realise.
In fact, many of them are doing an excellent job of solving a difficult problem.
The reason they persist is that they're giving us something we need in the moment.
But the real challenge is that what works in the short term doesn't always support what we want in the long term.
Exercise Focus
Many of us exercise regularly, but consistently avoid certain situations: a particular lift, a certain area of the gym, a class we've always wanted to try, or training alongside more experienced people.
On the surface, these choices can look arbitrary. But often they're meeting a need.
Avoiding the free weights area might help us escape feeling self-conscious. Sticking with familiar exercises can protect us from feeling incompetent. Training alone may feel safer than putting ourselves in situations where we could be judged or compared.
The behaviour isn't random. It's helping us navigate an uncomfortable feeling.
Familiar environments provide certainty. Familiar exercises provide confidence. Familiar routines allow us to feel capable.
There's nothing wrong with that.
But it's worth recognising when comfort is quietly becoming a limitation.
Nutrition Focus
Many of us have experienced moments when we're drawn towards food despite not being physically hungry. Perhaps it's after a stressful day. Perhaps we're feeling bored, lonely, overwhelmed, or a little flat.
Whatever the feeling, there can be a sense that something is missing. A void between how we feel and how we'd like to feel.
Food can be remarkably effective at filling that gap. It provides immediate comfort, distraction, stimulation, reward or relief.
The problem isn't that it doesn't work.
The problem is that it only works temporarily.
So when the feeling returns, we're often left searching for the same solution again.
This is what makes these patterns so frustrating. We focus on the food, while overlooking what the food is helping us manage.
So the next time you find yourself reaching for food when you're not physically hungry, try pausing for a moment, then ask yourself:
What need is the food meeting for me right now?
The answer will likely tell you far more about what you need than the food itself.
Explore More
From the archive: A few months ago I wrote about why we stick to what we know. It's a useful companion to this week's newsletter, exploring the comfort and security that familiar behaviours can provide, even when we know they're no longer serving us.
Book: In The Compassionate Mind Approach to Beating Overeating, Ken Goss explores why we eat when we're not physically hungry and how food can become a way of managing difficult emotions. Rather than focusing on willpower or restriction, the book encourages a more curious and compassionate understanding of our relationship with food.
Article: Christine Byrne offers a refreshing perspective on emotional eating. Rather than treating it as a personal failing, she explores how food can become a source of comfort and why the goal isn't necessarily to eliminate emotional eating altogether, but to ensure it's not our only way of coping.
Takeaway
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